Dirt

(MONSTER)

The story of Richard Ramirez

This work is unfinished and not rated. It may contain strong, unexpected, or challenging material and is not suitable for children. If at any point you feel uncomfortable, please stop reading

This is the story of an (IMP)
Who fell to (EARTH)
Through a (THOUSAND) miles and a (MILLION) days
This is (MY) story
The story of a boy named (RICARDO)
I’ve been called by (MANY) names
Some of these — the Walk-In (KILLER) — the Valley (INTRUDER)
I’ve even been called the (NIGHT STALKER)
But before all that I was just a (MISCHIEVOUS) child
From El Paso (TEXAS)
Simply named Richard
(RAMIREZ)

1

I wake with my head against a (TOMBSTONE)
A sleeping pillow for the dead — and (ME)
I have slept all night with Andrew H (BLACK) who died in 1898
At the age of 48
Twice as long as I’m gonna make it
Andrew’s headstone is a (CROSS)
Five feet tall
Which my dad once tied me to as (PUNISHMENT)
Tied me up with telephone cord
Pulled (TIGHT) around my wrists and arms
That’s how much he (LOVED) me
My glorious (FATHER)
Who tied me up — left me (TO DIE) — lashed and cut with those thin little wires inside of telephone wire ?? You know those ?? You take a length of normal telephone wire — beige in color — you cut that up and take out these million (THIN) little wires
They’re all (COLORED) like (RAINBOWS)
Almost as thin as (HAIR)
He tied me up with (THOSE)
To this (EXACT) crucifix in this (EXACT) cemetery
Dust and dirt and (SCORPIONS) crawling over my (LEGS)
After that (NIGHT) when I (RAMBLED) home
My (FATHER) wouldn’t even look at (ME)
At dinner I placed my arms upon the table
Cuts and (SLICED FLESH) matching our pork (BEAUTIFULLY)
Even the (ANIMAL) we eat for nourishment
Didn’t have to endure
What I had
Just for lifting up the (DRESS) of one Rosalita Vázquez
An (INNOCENT) thing to do !!
Believe me !!
I wasn’t going to (KILL) her !!
I wasn’t going to (SLICE) her (PRETTY) throat !!
No — nothing like that
A (BOY) just wanted to (LOOK) at a (GIRL)
At her (PANTIES)
At her (INSIDES)
I wanted (INFORMATION) that I could only get by going (THERE)
And for (THAT)
I was (TIED)
To a (GRANITE) crucifix
In a (DESERT) cemetery
With (WIRES) that cut my skin
By my (LOVING) dad
Thanks Dad
Happy Father’s Day and Merry Christmas and every other Christian holiday that celebrates your (MANLINESS) and your (GODLIKE) status when compared to (ME)
Because at that time I was a (LITTLE) boy
Who still imagined he could (PLEASE) you
Someday
By becoming something great
Becoming something (POWERFUL) and (INVINCIBLE)
Someone like you

—

I (HUFF) it to the bus
To ride
To see my cousin (MIGUEL)
I sit in the very (BACK)
So I can (LOOK) upon the riders
There’s one — a (GIRL) wearing white stockings
Fiddling with her (HAIR)
She’s one I’d like to (KILL)
There’s one — a (GRANDMOTHER) type
I’d like to (FIDDLE) with her (TWAT)
Stick some fingers up there
Maybe discover (JESUS)
Hiding in that Lady’s (CUNT)
He’s doing (MASS)
Just like Father Gil
Waving his (ARMS) around — conducting an orchestra !!
All alive up in that woman’s (BUSINESS)
Rooting around
Looking for a (SOLUTION)
For everything that (AILS) me
The bus driver doesn’t interest me
A (BIG) man — not exactly (FAT)
I’d shoot him in the head
And once I did that — I’d have my way with everyone on this bus
Turn this carriage into truckload of (NASTINESS)
Parts of (BODIES) everywhere
These (WINDOWS) brimming with (BLOOD)

—

But for now
I look out the window
There, I see a man (RUN) by a woman pushing a (WALKER)
She’s looking straight ahead
He comes up (BEHIND) her — (GRABS) her neck in one hand - (THROWS) her body forward so her (HEAD) strikes the metal of her (MOBILITY) device
It (STUNS) her
It makes her (LOSE) her balance
It makes her (FORGET) her mind
For one (INSTANT) she is no longer the (MOTHER) of (THREE)
The (GRANDMOTHER) of (SEVEN) bubbly little (KIDS)
Who (LOVE) her like (BIRDS) love the (SKY)
She is not longer (THAT) — for a (SECOND)
She is (SUBJUGATED)
She is (PERTERBED)
She is (ANONYMOUS)
She is (SILENTLY) suffering
From a (BUMP) on the head
And as she rights herself
As she checks for her purse
There’s no (SURPRISE)
She looks (BEHIND) her - no one
She looks (AHEAD)
Of course the thief is gone — I saw him duck back behind the laundromat — good work too — it reminded me of my (NICKNAME)
Richie (DEDOS)
That’s Spanish for (FINGERS)
An (HONORABLE) name for a (THIEF)
Here, people (STEAL) cars to sell over the (BORDER)
In (MEXICO)
The American (POLICE) know about it - they (HELP) the cars travel to their new owners
Usually (FEDERALES) in (MEXICO)
They (COMMIT) a crime just by looking the other way
In the (LOW) class
You have to actually (DO) something to commit a crime
In the (UPPER) class
You can just look the other way
The (OLD) woman (STRAIGHTENS) her hair
She gets her (WALKER) moving again
A (SCREAMING) siren (ZOOMS) by us — driving between the bus and the sidewalk
They’re not (INTERESTED) in the old (LADY)
They don’t even know she just got (ROBBED)
That (POLICE) car is probably headed to some (MURDER) or (DRUG) bust or some (GANG) up to no good
That lady is (LUCKY)
To have gotten so (OLD)
She made it this far without getting (MURDERED) !!
She hasn’t (DIED) from the (FLU) !!
That (OLD) bitch has (LIVED) a full and (BEAUTIFUL) existence
Only to get (KNOCKED) on the (HEAD)
If she doesn’t (DIE) today — she’ll (DIE) tomorrow
I say this to myself — looking out the (WINDOW)
The bus passes a block of stores
And on the open wall at their end
I see a (MURAL) of (JESUS) — painted in (PASTEL) blues and yellows — (JESUS) raises his (ARMS) to the level of his unblinking (EYES) — his (EXPRESSION) neutral — always (DRESSED) in that (BROWN) peasant’s robe — (SILENTLY) and (UNKNOWINGLY) and (FLATLY) giving everyone in El Paso a blessing of (PEACE)

—

We attend (MASS) at El Calvario — down the street
From a (HOUSE) with (LACE) on the (WINDOWS)
Where I was (BORN) the (LAST) of (FIVE) children
Who were every one of them (NICER) than (ME)
Every (ONE) of them was better (SOCIALIZED)
Every (ONE) of them had more (FRIENDS)
I have (ZERO) — so if you have more than (THAT) then you have more friends than (ME)
You have (SLEEPOVERS) and (BASEBALL) games
I have (HOURS) spend at the (7-11)
I log (DAYS) in the (ARCADES)
This is before your (VR) and your (GTA)
I played (PRO TENNIS) and (ASTEROID) — for the win !!
I smoked (WEED) motherfucker — from the age of (10)
Love that stuff
In an (ALTERNATE) life I woulda been some (RASTA) man
Smoking (WEED) in (PLUMES) riding my bike across the desert
But that’s an (ALTERNATE) life
That’s not (THIS) one
In (THIS) one I ain’t no (GANG) banger
But I also ain’t no (SAINT)
My (CREW) we smoke (WEED) together
These people aren’t my (FRIENDS)
We get (HIGH) and go cross town to the (RICH) folks
We go through (UNLOCKED) windows
That’s how I trained my (STICKY) fingers
That’s why I am a (THIEF)
My crew snags (PURSES) filled with (JEWELRY)
Turquoise (PINS) and diamond (EARRINGS)
Items to decorate the (NECK) and (HEAD)
Out the window just as fast as we came in
Out out (OUT) !!
Down the (STREET) and (AWAY)
Safe safe safe
And when (ME) and my (CREW) had fenced our goods
We would sit in the (CEMETERY)
Or (UNDER) the (OVERPASS)
Smoking (WEED)
And (LAUGHING) transparent (LAUGHS)
At all those who wouldn’t (STEAL)
From (OTHERS)
To fatten their own purse
In this (GROUP) I was known as Richie Rabon
Which means I have no (TAIL)
I was the (THINNEST)
I was the (QUICKEST)
I had the (KNOWLEDGE) and the (MOVES) to get us (IN) and (OUT) of a tight house
And for (THAT)
Among (THESE) people
I was (FAMOUS)

—

But I did start (DRINKING)
When I was 10
And that (FUCKED) my (NIGHTTIME) thieving (FLOW) a bit
The (COPS) walked in on us (JACKING) this (BEIGE) house on River Park Place
When they shone their (LIGHTS) on (ME)
I was (ELBOW) deep in a (FISH) tank
Grabbing for the 1973 version of (NEMO)
Little (SHIT) had (WINKED) at me
While I was stealing this (BITCH’S) vanity mirror
Ornate silver — embossed rear plate — beveled glass
But when those (COPS) shone that (LIGHT) in my (FACE)
I dropped that (FISH) so fast
And I was (STANDING) there in a (DARK) room
With no (MIRROR) and no (FISH) and no (LOOT) and a (COP) the size of a prize (HEIFER)
Sweating on me and (CUFFING) my hands
Not the (FIRST) time
Not the (LAST) time
So they (SENT) me to (JUVIE)
And I came out (TRANSFORMED) !!
I (STOPPED) going to school — not (ALL) of the time !!
I (STOPPED) caring about the (RULES) — fuck those rules !!
The (THING) is — when a person (ARRESTS) me — puts me in juvenile (DETENTION) — for a thing they do themselves
After that it’s hard to take them seriously

—

What (ELSE) can I tell you — before the (END) of this ride ??
As the bus (WHEELS) screech and (HOLLER)
Before I get to my cousin’s house
I (GUESS) I can tell you about my (DAD)
His name is (JULIAN)
He was born in (MEXICO)
He (LOVES) me very much
He’s (HIT) me from the (TIME) I was very (LITTLE)
Did your (FATHER) hit (YOU) ??
Spank you maybe ??
That’s (NOT) the way my father (HIT) me
My (FATHER) hit me (HARD) enough
That I went (UNCONSCIOUS)
My (FATHER) never (BELIEVED) in (ME)
He didn’t even (BELIEVE) my (CRIMES)
They asked him about me years later
And he (SAID) I don’t believe my (SON) did those things !!
He didn’t even (BELIEVE) in my greatest (ACCOMPLISHMENT)
He didn’t (BELIEVE) I (COULD) or (WOULD) do those things
What is that ??
You do something (GREAT) — something nobody’s ever done (BEFORE)
And your (DAD) won’t even give you (CREDIT)
Ain’t that a (BITCH) ??
My (FATHER) drank
He (WORKED) the railroad
I never (SAW) him outside of (DINNER)
That 30 (MINUTES) was the (ONLY) time he spoke to us
So (ANYWAY) he (BEAT) me to the point of (UNCONSCIOUSNESS) and (ALMOST) to the point of (DEATH) many times before I was even 6 years old (AND) through this (PROCESS) my (SWEET) little pear of a (BRAIN) got bruised and after (THAT) I wasn’t able to (USE) it properly
They thought I had (EPILEPSY)
But they (EPILEPSY) tests showed (FALSE)
But I (CONVULSED) and (CONTORTED) and (WRITHED) on the floors of our (CHURCH) and (HOME) and my (DAD) would stand there looking at (ME) and he would scratch his (HEAD) while he and (MOM) verbally wondered (WHAT) had gone wrong with me and (HOW) and (WHY) and when
I (IMAGINED) the (HOSPITAL) report
At the end of (PAGES) and (PAGES) of test results and suppositions
Would just be
A fine (SCRAWLED) handwritten note
That said —
We think your son is epileptic possibly because his dad beat him about the head when he was little
Signed — the (DOC)
PS — Your mom worked in a boot factory and you picked up toxins in utero — good luck living life with this terrible start — (LOVE) — the doctors
Thank you (SO) much — Thank you (YES)
So I’m (TALKING)
Saying (WHAT) happens when a 5 year old is (KNOCKED) unconscious on a (PLAYGROUND) ??
What (HAPPENS) when it (LEAVES) a (GASH) ??
What (IF) that (GASH) requires (STITCHES) ??
What (IF) this (YOUNG) boy had a (CONCUSSION) on the (FOOTBALL) field ??
What (IF) he also (FELL) from a (HORSE) ??
What (IF) when I was 12 — I jumped from a (TRAIN) ??
What if all these (BRAIN) cutouts (STOPPED) my ability to (CONTROL) an (IMPULSE) —
Or (MAKE) a (MORAL) choice ??
What if that’s (WHY) sometimes I don’t (RESPOND)
When people (TALK) to me
Instead I (STARE) into (SPACE)
Maybe that’s why (SOMETIMES) I flail my (ARMS) and (CLENCH) my legs — Maybe that’s (WHY) I go (WILD) and no one will get (NEAR) me
Maybe that’s (WHY) I am (CONSTANTLY) stoned
Maybe that’s what (HAPPENED) when my (FATHER) beat me with the (WATER) hose — brothers (AND) sisters watching — almost (STRANGLED) me with it — (WRAPPED) around my (NECK) — pulled (TIGHT) with his (FOOT) — it almost (ENDED) for me that day !!
And it (REALLY) almost (ENDED) for me the day my (DAD) put a .22 revolver to my (HEAD)
He said he was (SERIOUS) this time
I (BELIEVE) he was
My (BROTHER) coaxed him (OUT) of it
Got the (GUN) free
Hid it from my (DAD)
My (BROTHER) saved (MY) life
And my (DAD) paid my (BROTHER) back
He (BEAT) him (SO) hard that the (REST) of us
Who would (NORMALLY) watch such a (SHOW)
Left the back yard and (HID)
So (DEEPLY)
Throughout our house
That if the (DEVIL) himself had come looking
He wouldn’t have (FOUND) a single one
So (MAYBE) that’s (WHY) I smoke pot
To the point of (CONFUSION)
Maybe that is (WHY) I drink alcohol
Like someone who wants to (FORGET)
Maybe you’ll (REMEMBER) this in the (FUTURE)
While I’m telling you my (STORY)
Maybe you’ll (FORGIVE) me a little bit ??
Maybe you’ll forgive my (FATHER)
Maybe you’ll (THINK) about (YOUR) life
Where you’re (COMING) — where you’re (GOING)
Did you (EVER) do something (MEAN) ??
Did you ever (SPITE) someone cause they (PISSED) you off ??
We are all (SUBJECT) to unmentionable (DESIRES)
Every (ONE) of us (SLAVE) to uncontrollable (OBSESSIONS)
We are all (EVIL) in some form or (ANOTHER) — are we not ??

—

Which (BRINGS) me to my (FIRST) real (CONFESSION)
I tried to (RAPE) a girl last year
Her (NAME) is (DOMINO) Diaz
She’s a (GIRL) from my class
I (SAW) her (BENDING) over at the (WATER) fountain
With a (PLAID) skirt and (WHITE) pantyhose
Something about the (CLOTH) in the (CROOK) between her (LEGS)
Enticed me to no end
It (DANCED) about in my (MIND)
That (GLORIOUS) place (BETWEEN) her (LEGS)
Which (COME) together
In a (V)
I had (TRIED) dating (BEFORE) her
But no (BITCHES) would have me
They (TALKED) and (TALKED) and never about what I (WANTED)
So I took a look at (DOMINO) Diaz
Drinking from the water fountain
And I (IMAGINED) that (LITTLE) girl (SUCKING) my dick
Choking on it
Making me (CUM)
I (IMAGINED) her (LYING) back (WILLINGLY)
Or (UNWILLINGLY)
Taking my (LOAD)
Oh (DOMINO) !!
Cute little lady !!
I (INVITED) her to my (ROOM)
And tried to (FUCK) her !!
It didn’t go well !!
I had her (PINNED) to my (MATTRESS)
My (DICK) was (HARD)
Those (WHITE) stockings — gripped in my fists — were (ALMOST) all the way down (AND) I could see her (BEAUTIFUL) cunt (QUIVERING) for me — saying (YES) yes yes Ricardo — (KISS) me — (FUCK) me — (RAPE) me !!
But then something went wrong and little miss Domino Diaz kicked me in the face and ran out of my room and out of our house and all the way to the police and later that day the (COPS) came to arrest me and they put me in jail for a day but Domino Diaz remembered the look of my (FACE) and the (SMELL) of my (BREATH) in hers and that (BITCH) decided not to testify

—

Mom sent me to (BIBLE) study that (SUMMER) to get my head right
It was (INTERESTING)
I (MET) some Jehovah’s Witnesses — one of them a cute blonde (GIRL) who was (THIN) and had a (VELVET) voice and when she (SPOKE) it made me want to (CUM)
I told her (RIGHT) away — (YOU) need to (STAY) away from me because you (MAKE) me want to (FUCK) — everything about you (TURNS) me on — I’m attracted to you in (THAT) way and I think you should (STAY) away from me — like (NOT) just on the other side of the room
Also — in (BIBLE) study — I found (SATAN)
He’s right there in all the pages !!
I found my (DAD) there too — my (DAD) is (GOD)
I (CONTRARILY) am (SATAN)
Satan rebels against (GOD) — that’s me
An angel — falling from (HEAVEN)
Through no (FAULT) of his own
This makes sense — yes ??
God is sort of (EVIL) for kicking (SATAN) out
Just cause they disagree
So I (DECIDED) last summer that I (CANNOT) live the way the (BIBLE) says
It’s (NOT) for me
Those (CHRISTIANS) are full of (SHIT) anyway
Never with a (STRAIGHT) answer
I ask — Is it (TRUE) that Paul (HATES) women ??
Does (JESUS) really say that it’s a (SIN) not just to (MURDER) your (SISTER) — but also the (SAME) sin to be (ANGRY) with her ??
Isn’t it (TORTUROUS) to live (FOREVER) in (HEAVEN) when there’s always (ANOTHER) day ??
And you know what ??
Not a (SINGLE) drop of (KNOWLEDGE) was (IMPARTED) unto (ME)
Not even the (SERIOUSNESS) of a (REPLY)
But I was (INTERESTED) in the (POWER) of Satan
I (DECIDED) to (FOLLOW) my (CURIOUS) heart
Right down the street
To the (PUBLIC) library
I (PLOPPED) my (BUTT) down
With some (CHOICE) titles
Some by (DANTE)
Some by (MILTON)
Some by (FAUST)
I wiped my (STRINGY) hair from before my (EYES)
Opened the (COVER)
Turned a (PAGE)
And (DECIDED) to (READ) for (MYSELF)
About this (DEVIL) who (REBELLED) against god

—

But enough (REVERIE)
Enough (REMEMBERING)
I’m (STANDING) at the door to (COUSIN) Miguel’s apartment
Knocking — knocking — his (WIFE) opens the door !!
Josefina !!
Ricardo !!
We (HUG)
Miguel (SMILES) at (ME) — Tries to get up from the (COUCH) — Slips — (FALLS) — A tray of (WEED) implements (FALLS) from his (LAP) — (SPILLS) between the (CUSHIONS) and over the (FLOOR)
Come here, my (COUSIN) he shouts — Come here come here
He (HUGS) me — (SUPER) hard — (SLAPPING) my back
How’s the (STRONGEST) (MEANEST) most (DASTARDLY) soldier in (MY) army ??
Josefina (LEADS) me into their (LIVING) room
She (SITS) me down
Ricardo — (PICKING) up his (WEED) implements from (BETWEEN) the (CUSHIONS) — sitting himself back down — Tells (JOSEFINA) to (LOCK) the (DOOR) — We’re gonna have an (ART) party
Ricardo (SETTLES) himself
Josefina (SITS) next to him
I (SIT) on the (FLOOR)
Ricardo (PULLS) an (EYE) dropper from a hip (POCKET)
Leans to me
Drops (TWO) drops of (LSD) into my (MOUTH)
Into my (EYES)
Some for (JOSEFINA)
Some for (HIMSELF)
And we (START) the (SHOW)
Exhibit number one !! Miguel says
He (REACHES) for the (BOTTOM) drawer
In the (TABLE) beside the (COUCH)
He (PULLS) a stack of (POLAROIDS)
Shuffling the (TOP) one off the (STACK)
Handing (IT) to (ME)
And there (UNFOLDED)
A (KALEIDOSCOPE) of (HORRORS)
Next one — Next one
This one (HERE) an image of a (WOMAN) — Vietnamese — (WELL) just her (BODY) — without (ARMS) or (LEGS)
I (CUT) those off !! explains (MIGUEL)
I (TILT) my (HEAD) — tightening my (FINGERS) around the (POLAROID)
The woman’s (HEAD) is (SITTING) on the (CHAIR) beside her
Mouth open
Eyes open — looking (UPWARD)
On the (FLOOR) is a (MESSY) pool of (BLOOD)
Leading (UP) the (BED)
To (BETWEEN) the woman’s (LEGS)
A blurry (SHOCK) of (RED)
Where her (PUSSY) should have (BEEN)
Next one !! Mike says
He hands (ME) a (PHOTO) of a (WOMAN) tied to a (TREE) with (BLACK) rope — still (ALIVE) — Then (ANOTHER) photo of the (SAME) woman at the (SAME) tree — (THIS) time (SLUMPED) over at the (WAIST) — her (BODY) looking (CRUMPLED) and (DEFORMED) — with (BLOOD) coming out of her (ASS) — her face turned to the (CAMERA) with a look of (HELPLESSNESS) and (PLEADING) — The (NEXT) picture of her is (CLOSE) up — it just shows what (USED) to be a (HEAD) — It has now (BECOME) a (BASKETBALL) — flattened — with an (EYE) here and half an (EAR) there — pockmarked with bullet (HOLES) — not (EVEN) looking like a (FACE)
There’s no (THRILL) like a good (KILL) !! Mike says
Was (THIS) your assignment ?? I ask
Assignment, nothing !! He says — I worked for the (PHOENIX) program — We weren’t (ASSIGNED) nothing !!
Mike hands me the (NEXT) photo
A (GIRL) — (MAYBE) seven — (MAYBE) six — with the (BARREL) of an (M16) up her (COOCH) and it’s up there (FAR) like maybe 10 inches — Cousin Mike with his (FINGERS) on the trigger (LAUGHING) a bunch of his (VIETNAM) dudes standing around her (SMOKING) cigarettes and (CHECKING) their watches — the (GIRL) looks (FRIGHTENED) like a (WEASEL) on (FIRE) and what (IF) my cousin pulled the (TRIGGER) ??
Would that (BULLET) rip its way all the way up and through her (HEAD) ??
Would she (FEEL) it first ??
Inside her (SOFT) parts
Would she (CUM) if she (WRIGGLED) on the (TIP) of that (GUN)
Had Miguel (FUCKED) her (FIRST) ??
Before (HE) stuck (HIS) M16 up (INSIDE) her (TINY) cunt ??
Had he (SLATHERED) this (YOUNG) bitch with his (CUM) ??
I (WONDERED) how that (FELT)
For — you see — I had never had (SEX) at that point
What was it like — to (KISS) a girl ??
What was it like — to (FEEL) my (DICK) go up up up — (INSIDE) a pretty (BITCH) who would (GIVE) it up to (ME)
Richard !! Ricardo !! Stop (SKEEVING) on that little (BITCH) and help me bake some (COOKIES) !! — That was (JOSEFINA)
But here comes (MIGUEL) — Sit down (RICARDO) !! You can help that (BITCH) bake cookies when the (WAR) is over !!
No, Miguel — stop with the (POLAROIDS) and let (RICARDO) take a (BREAK) — He’s had (ENOUGH) with (KILLING) and (WAR)
Woman !! my cousin (YELLS) — Woman, you better (KEEP) your (MOUTH) shut !! You better (ZIP) those (LIPS) before I call in some (NAPALM) to your (CURRENT) location !!
You, Josefina says, are (NOTHING) — (LAZY) (INCOMPETENT) a damn (FOOL)
Woman — you better (WATCH) yourself or you’ll be (DEAD)
Josefina went to the kitchen and Miguel continued his (SHOW)
Handing me (PICTURE) after (PICTURE) of (GORE)
Young (LADIES) he had tied to their (STOVES) with (DENTAL) floss and (RIGGING) tape — stuck every type of (PISTOL) and (RIFLE) and (MACHETE) into them — And when I say he (STUCK) a (MACHETE) into them I do not mean the (HANDLE)
He (SHOWED) me (POLAROID) after (POLAROID)
Of these (SECRET) missions
Somehow (SANCTIONED) by the (GOVERNMENT)
Missions I would (LIKE) to go on
Especially if someone was (PAYING) me !!
Missions to (DESTROY) and (EIGHT) year old’s (VAGINA)
For the (GOOD) of the (US) government
Classic (GOVERNMENT) stuff
Like (EXPLODING) the (HEAD) off a 21 year old (VIETNAMESE) woman
Or (SLICING) the (FACE) of a 14 year old (GIRL)
While you (FUCK) her
You feeling (SO) good
Her feeling (SO) bad !!
I assume being (CUT) along your (FACE) in (STRIPES) with a (UTILITY) knife (WHILE) the sweet (PUSS) between your 14 year old (LEGS) gets (FUCKED) by a (HARD) Mexican (COCK) — I imagine the contrast is (PHENOMENAL) don’t you ??
I (IMAGINE) her (REVELING) in the (JOY) of being (FUCKED) between the (LEGS) !!
Savoring her (SEX) juice —
Give (ME) that — my cousin says
He (TAKES) the (POLAROID) between his (FINGERS)
Looks it (UP) and (DOWN)
His (EYES) glistening
Miguel puts his (ARM) around me
He (SAYS) into my (FACE) — But the (WORDS) I hear are (MINE)
We are (ALL) expendable for a (CAUSE) — No (ONE) knows better than those who (KILL) for (POLICY) — (CLANDESTINELY) or (OPENLY) — as do the (GOVERNMENTS) of the (WORLD) — which (KILL) in the name of (GOD) and (COUNTRY) for whatever (REASON) they deem appropriate
My cousin has (SCHIZOPHRENIA)
My (COUSIN) is a Vietnam vet
My (COUSIN) smokes (WEED) with me
We do (LSD)
We (DRINK) together
He (TEACHES) me (ARMY) skills and (TACTICS)
My (COUSIN) wears a string of (EARS) around his (NECK)
When he came back from (VIETNAM) he carried (TWO) suitcases
One (CONTAINED) his pillows
The (OTHER) had Vietcong (HEADS)
Four to be (EXACT)
One was (MALE) — the other 3 were (FEMALE)
All were missing (EYES)
But they (STARED) at me nonetheless
And when I (STARED) back at those (HEADS)
Motionless in my cousin’s (SUITCASE)
I felt (WITHIN) my self
A (STIRRING) mentally (AND) physically
You (WANT) to (KNOW) if my (DICK) got (HARD) ??
It (DID)
It (MOTHERFUCKING) did
It (MADE) me like a (ROCK)
To (THINK) of those (GIRLS) getting (FUCKED)
Their Vietcong (ASSES) tied to a tree
And my (COUSIN) going (WILD) on them !!
Wild in the (MIDDLE) of the (GODDAMN) jungle !!
A (FLUTTERING) of (POLAROIDS) falling from the (SKY)
Each (ONE) illustrating (ANOTHER) scene of (TORTURE)
You (ASK) if (THESE) photos (REPULSED) me
I (WISH) I could say (YES)
And (BOW) to your every (IDEA) of what is (RIGHT)
But if I’m (HONEST)
I (HAVE) to (SAY)
It was (NOTHING) of the (CASE)
It wasn’t just that I (ENJOYED) seeing them
They (FASCINATED) me
That’s (WHAT) I (FOUND)
When I looked into the wishing (WELL)
Every (LACERATION) — every (SCAR)
Every (DECAPITATED) fucking (HEAD)
Running my (FINGERS) inside the (WRINKLES) of each severed (EAR)
I sort of found my (CALLING)
Sort of found my (SELF)
The way my mom had (HOPED) I would (TURN) my life around
In (SUNDAY) School
It happened (HERE) instead
In the living room sanctuary of (MY) cousin Miguel
I found the (ROBES) and (SACRAMENTS)
In the (TORN) dresses and between the (BLOODY) legs of his (VICTIMS)
I (KNEEL) before you (GOD) and offer up this (BLESSING)
The cut off (HEAD) of a formerly (VIRGIN) 12 year old
Vietnamese
Whore
Sponsored by my (COUNTRY) and brought to (YOU) by my (COUSIN) Mike

—

Whose (WIFE) Josefina had had (ENOUGH)
Who (SAID) this (DAY) I am (SICK) and (TIRED) of your (LAZINESS)
Who (SAID) Miguel !! Put those (FUCKING) heads away
Miguel — You’re practically (JERKING) off to those (POLAROIDS) in front of (YOUNG) Ricardo
Ricky — give me (THOSE)
Right now
Right (NOW) you two — I’m (SERIOUS) — I’ve (LIVED) too many (DAYS) in this (APARTMENT) with your (PIGPEN) ass — I’m tired of your (CIGARETTES) I’m tired of your (ATTITUDE) I’m (SICK) of (EVERY) goddamn (THING) you (DO)
As (JOSEFINA) was (SAYING) this, Miguel got up from the (COUCH) and went to the (REFRIGERATOR) — removed his gun which was a .22 (REVOLVER) and began (WIPING) its handle (AND) its (BARREL) so calmly (AND) he was like (NODDING) and (RESPONDING) to everything (JOSEFINA) said with an (MMM) and an (AHH) like everything was (OK) when everything was (NOT) and Josefina continued —
You (SELFISH) bastard — showing that (KID) your (WAR) trophies — sitting (DRINKING) beer — (YOU) never do the (DISHES) not once !! the entire (TIME) we’ve (LIVED) here — Miguel !! — and here Josefina (CRIES) a little bit — would you (PLEASE) get off your (ASS) and (HELP) with the (MOTHERFUCKING) dishes !!
And here there was a (POP) !!
Of my cousin’s .22 (PISTOL) going (CRACK) !! (CRACK) !! (CRACK)
And Josefina fell
Her (SLENDER) middle aged (BODY)
Slithered to the (FLOOR)
And she (STOPPED) talking
And (MIGUEL) must have seen my (FACE)
And my (FACE) must have (STOPPED) laughing
And (THAT) was the (END) of the (FUN) we had with (JOSEFINA)
Right (THERE) on the (FLOOR)
Was Josefina’s (ENDPOINT)
That was the (END) of her (GAME)
Miguel’s coming toward me
Saying (RICARDO) you got some (BLOOD) on you
Josefina’s (HEAD) is on the (FLOOR) between my (FEET)
And (JOSEFINA) has (BLOOD) between her (EYES)
They’re (DEFOCUSED)
Looking at the (LINOLEUM)
Totally (STILL)
I (STEP) back from (MIGUEL)
Who is (STILL) holding his (GUN)
He has wild (EYES) and (GREASE) in his (HAIR)
He (SAYS) Ricardo, no — I would (NEVER) hurt you
But I (THINK) you better (GO)
He (KICKS) his (WIFE) a little
Look (RICKY) this is where we (SPLIT) you and I
I’m (SORRY) about your (FACE)
Miguel’s (HAND) cups back around my (HEAD)
His (THUMB) wiping Josefina’s (BLOOD) from my (CHEEK)
Screaming at me in Spanish
I don’t want you to get in (TROUBLE)
Oh man (RICARDO) you (GOTTA) get outta here
If they (ASK) you — you (SAY) you (NEVER) saw this
Ok my (COUS) ??
You got that (LITTLE) man ??
You (GO) now and (NEVER) come (BACK) here
So I left
Left (COUSIN) Miguel (STANDING) over (JOSEFINA)
With his stack of (POLAROIDS) and his (SUITCASE) full of (HEADS)
The (BODY) of my pretty (JOSEFINA) lying on the (FLOOR)
With (THREE) holes in her (HEAD)
Dead

—

I was in the (NINTH) grade at that (TIME)
And (AFTER) seeing my (COUSIN) shoot (JOSEFINA) in the head
I (DROPPED) out of the (NINTH) grade
Moved in with my sister (RUTH) for a (FEW) years
Her husband wasn’t much better than Miguel
Ruth’s husband was a (PEEPING) Tom
He used to (TAKE) me with (HIM) on trips at (NIGHT)
To (JERK) it to (WOMEN) sleeping
Women (UNDRESSING) in their (BEDROOMS)
Later in (HIGH) school I got a (JOB) at the Holiday (INN)
Robbed (PEOPLE) in their rooms while they (SLEPT)
Then one night
Coming up the (ELEVATOR) at 10pm
I saw a (BROTHER) and a (SISTER)
They had their (SWIMSUITS) on
I said — We’re (GONNA) do (NIGHT) checks !!
And I pushed the emergency (STOP) button
And I (SAW) the fear in their eyes
I told the (BOY) to get in the (CORNER) — to avert his (EYES)
With the (GIRL) I ran my (FINGERS) around the (LOOPS) around her (LEGS)
Where (CLOTH) and a brown (GUSSET) protected her little (GEMSTONE) of a (YOUNG) vagina
Which I allowed my fingers to (EXPLORE)
Quite generously
And (SHE) made (MY) dick (SO) hard
Even her (TEARS) were (SEX) to me
So much so
That it got me (HARD) for her (BROTHER)
Whose (ASS) I thumped with my (DICK)
Rubbing (IT) between his (CHEEKS)
I (ADMIT) it (WAS) exciting
I (HAD) to let those (TWO) go even though our (MEETING) was just (GETTING) started
Partially I was (AFRAID) of what to do (NEXT)
So I let (THOSE) two (YOUNGINS) return to their (MERRY) ways
Bouncing down the (HOTEL) hallway (NONE) the worse for (WEAR)
I jerked (IT) in a (UTILITY) closet
Then (WENT) to room 213
Where I had seen the (HUSBAND) leave
An hour before
To (WORK) on yellow (LOOSELEAF) pads in the lobby
His (WIFE) I found (UNDER) hotel sheets
I cupped her (HEAD) in my (HANDS)
Covering her mouth
Strangling the (BITCH) around her (NECK)
I (TURNED) that (BITCH) over and (LAID) her (ASS) on the (CORNER) of the (BED)
I said — Don’t (SCREAM)
This’ll all (BE) over in an (INSTANT)
She (GOT) very (STILL)
I felt my (COCK) enlarging — I felt (IT) stretching (OUT)
This was going to be my (MOMENT) or (TRIUMPH)
This was going to be my (WIN)
I (PRESSED) it (BETWEEN) the woman’s (LEGS)
I was going to (PUT) it all the way (IN)
But (LIGHT) from the (DOOR) opening — and her (HUSBAND) came in !!
What the fuck ?? he (SHOUTS) — What the (MOTHER) fucking fuck !!
This guy (WAS) bigger than my (COUSIN)
You (FAGGOT) fucking (RAPIST) this guy says
You get (OUT) of my (FUCKING) room !!
He (BEATS) my (HEAD)
Kicks me (HARD)
His (WIFE) is coming (OFF) the bed — hitting me too !!
I’m (PULLING) up my (PANTS)
Hopping on (ONE) leg
They’re (CHASING) me (FROM) the (ROOM)
Saying they’ll (CALL) the (COPS)
But I’m (RUNNING) down the (HALL)
And they (NEVER) do
I lost my job at the Holiday Inn
But (CHARGES) are never (FILED)
I got away with that (FIRST) attempt
With (LUCK) — or (LAZINESS) on that bitch’s part

—

I (DROPPED) out of (HIGH) school — they weren’t (TEACHING) what I (WANTED)
I got (PINCHED) for holding (WEED)
Got (PINCHED) for driving (WILD)
That was (IN) my friend’s car
They had me (PRESSED) up on it in (HANDCUFFS)
Shining their (LIGHTS) inside
On the (PASSENGER) seat they (FOUND)
A (TOY) gun with (CAPS)
A (SKI) mask
A (GREEN) wallet I had (STOLEN) from a (LADY) at the (SUNSET) grocer
I (LOOK) that (OFFICER) in the (FACE) and (BUST) out (LAUGHING) !!
It’s a (TOY) version of what I’m (REALLY) going to do
In the (SO) so (NEAR) future of my (LIFE)
What’s (NEXT) ??
I held up a Dairy Queen
Got (PROBATION) for (THAT)
Said (FUCK) it
And (LEFT) El Paso for (LA)
Midnight (VERSION) of (ANOTHER) bus
Me (RIDING) in the (BACK)
Looking (OVER) the (PASSENGERS)
Sleeping in their seats
Picking (THIS) one out for (DECAPITATION)
This (ONE) out for (RAPE)
I had (SOMETHING) picked out for (EVERY) person in (LA) — if you (WANT) to (KNOW) the (TRUTH) of things
I (LOWERED) my (DARK) sunglasses
Over (MY) goddamn face
And I (GOT) me a (GOOD) night’s (SLEEP)
In the (LAST) seat on that (BUS)
Dreaming
Of all the (THINGS)
That I’m going to (DO) to (YOU)
When I get there

—

And over a (NIGHT)
And over a (DAY)
My (CHARIOT) arrives
I (SCOOP) my (WALKMAN) up from (BETWEEN) the seat (SEAMS)
Adjust my AC/DC cap
Walking up the (AISLE)
Windows of the (GREYHOUND) showing (SIGHTS) of my new (NEIGHBORS)
Standing in (LINE) for a bus
Bending (OVER) at the (WATER) fountain
Wiping their daughter’s (CHEEK) with a (NAPKIN)
And as I (STEP) out, I (WAVE) to the (DRIVER)
And he (TILTS) his eyebrow at (ME)
As if to (SAY) — Welcome, my (BROTHER) !! I (HOPE) you like your (STAY)
And I give him my (BIGGEST) smile — showing (AWFUL) teeth — and (WAVE)
One (FRIENDLY) gesture (DESERVES) another — whatever it might be !!
I (BREATHE) out — happy to be (AMONG) this (CROWD)
Do you (KNOW) what the (FIRST) thing is you (NOTICE) about LA ??
Well — (DO) you want to (KNOW) the (FIRST) thing I noticed about it ??
The (ASIANS)
There’s a (LOT) of em
They’re super (WHITE) and (SUPER) cute and I (LOVE) them all
The (HOT) ones — the (UGLY) ones — the (OLD) ones and the (YOUNG) ones
Each is like a (DELICACY) placed before (ME) squirming (SCREAMING) begging to be (PLUCKED) from the (TRAY) and eaten !!
Everything (ABOUT) them screams (PURITY) and (PERFECTION)
I heard that (SHORT) people live (LONGER)
That means (EVERY) one of those short little (CUNTS)
Is gonna live (LONGER) than me
But over your (LENGTHY) lives — and over my (SHORTER) one — we’ll (PLAY) oh (GIRLS) — we will play
I (DROP) my (FINGERS) low
Walking by a (CROWD) of (YOUNG) Japan ones
And flick my middle finger (UPWARD)
Catching the (SLIP) beneath a dark (BLUE) skirt
For a (SECOND) you are (MINE) — and I am yours
Gliding on mist / Hardly a sound / Bringing the kiss / Evils abound
I imagined these (BITCHES) — each one — in a (QUIETER) setting
Far from the (BUSTLE) of the bus station
When you feel safe / When you feel warm / That's when I rise / That's when I crawl I imagined these (GIRLS) in their (OWN) bedrooms
It’s (SO) much (BETTER) when it’s in the girl’s (OWN) bedroom — that’s what (MIGUEL) used to say
As I (PICTURED) him dick deep in some (VIETNAMESE) pussy
Eight years old
I (WONDERED) what that (FELT) like
And I (IMAGINED) it with the (ASIANS) I saw here
This one — in the (BLUE) above the knee (DRESS) — I thought of (PULLING) back those (LAYERS) and seeing what kind of (EQUIPMENT) she had underneath !! (RIPPING) her (WHITE) panties off and (SLICING) here with (WEREWOLF) nails !!
Here’s a (BOY) in a (YELLOW) hoodie — (BLACK) hair over his (EYES) — and his skin !! flower petal cream (SMOOTH) as the back of my mother’s (HAIRBRUSH) — thinking of that (BRUSH) gets me (HARD) every time
Or (THIS) one — 15, 16 — in a pleated (PINK) skirt so (SHORT) it didn’t even (COVER) her (UNDIES) all the time — with me (JUMPING) to (THIS) side and (THAT) side to get a view !! And what was (SPECIAL) about those undies ?? Absolutely (NOTHING) — they were the plainest (CLEANEST) whitest pair of (PANTIES) that had (EVER) entered my (WORLD) and (WHAT) about their (PERFECTION) captured me — entranced my (FEEBLE) mind to the (LEVEL) of (PARALYSIS) and (SERVITUDE) — I had to (SEEK) her out, (CAPTURE) her, (BREAK) her, and (INVESTIGATE) her insides
But — it was like (SEEING) a (KISS) on TV before you’ve had one
Easy to (LOOK) at
Impossible to imagine how it (FEELS)
For you (SEE)
I was a (VIRGIN) when I moved (HERE)
I was a (VIRGIN) when I came to LA
And these (IMAGINATIONS)
Though (WILD) and (VIVID)
Were all I had

—

I lived with my (NIECE) named Rosie Juarez
Rosie was (SEVEN) — I was 22 — We (ARGUED) over the (TELEVISION)
This is how it (WENT)
I said to her (MOM) — I said (SIS) !! I’m gonna be (FAMOUS) !!
I (FLIPPED) through the (PAGES) of the (NEWS)
As I did every day
I picked out (GANGSTER) and (RAPIST) and (KILLER) and (CON)
My (NIECE) Rosie said — (RICARDO) is going to be the next Chevy (CHASE) !!
And I (SMILED) at her
In all of her (SEVEN) year old (CUTENESS)
Rolling (OVER) on the (FLOOR) to (CATCH) a (GLIMPSE) between her (LEGS)
Rosie’s (LITTLE) sweetness
Rosie’s red (HOLE)
I had (SEEN) it while she’s (SLEEPING)
I had (PEEKED) between her (LEGS)
I had (EVEN) put a (FINGER) inside her (GLORIOUS) lips
Touched her lacquered (RED) vagina
With the (TIP) of this devil’s (HAND)
She was (SOFT)
Her walls were shallow pools of (PINK)
The (SIGHT) of (HER) fascinated me — I couldn’t (LOOK) away !!
She could be my mistress !!
But — but — no — of course not
Rosie could (NEVER) be (MY) mistress (BECAUSE) Rosie’s (MOTHER) is my (SISTER) and (ROSIE) is my (NIECE) and (ROSIE) is very very (SMALL) compared to (ME) and (ROSIE) would (SCREAM) if I (PUT) it in (HER) and my (SISTER) who is Rosie’s (MOM) would (LIKELY) kick me out of the house (AFTER) that and I would be (HOMELESS) in Los Angeles (WHICH) would (NOT) be very good
I want to be (FAMOUS) — what’s (WRONG) with that ??
That’s (WHY) I came to LA
Isn’t that why (EVERYONE) comes here ??
Some (TWAT) from Ohio — she’ll be the next Carrie Fisher
Some (DICK) from Texas — he’ll be the next Martin Scorsese
So that’s (WHY) I came here (TOO)
I’m (GONNA) be the (NEXT) Ted Bundy
You (WATCH) and you (SEE)
Yeah — I told my (SIS) that I was (GONNA) be (FAMOUS)
She (NEVER) asked me how

—

I started (DOING) blow — I was just (SNORTING) it then
I got it (OFF) my man (BRUNO)
We’d (ROB) houses to (GET) the (CASH)
And a (COUPLE) years into (LIVING) in LA
Bruno and I were (STANDING) at the (DOOR) of an (APARTMENT) building
Waiting for someone (DUMB) to come (ALONG)
And let us (IN) the building
When along (COMES) this (CUTIE)
Eight years old
She was (WITH) her (BROTHER)
Looking for (SOMETHING)
I said — What are you (LOOKING) for ??
She looked at (ME) with sweet (EYES) and said —
We’re (LOOKING) for our (DOLLAR) !!
I said your (DOLLAR) !! I saw it (DOWN) the (STAIRS)
She said (REALLY) !!
I (SAID) yes !! But you — brother — you (STAY) here with my (FRIEND)
Bruno (HELD) onto the (BOY)
While I took the (GIRL) downstairs
Into the parking lot
What’s your (NAME) little (GIRL) ??
Nina — she said
Your (DOLLAR) is right (DOWN) here
Little one
I (SQUEEZED) her hand
She was (WEARING) a bluejean (JUMPER) with (POCKETS) in the (FRONT) and a (WHITE) shirt underneath — (STRAPS) running over (HER) shoulders and I put a (HAND) on her (SHOULDER) as we went (BEHIND) a gold Nissan Z and I started my (ROUTINE)
FIST TO THE HEAD ON THAT CUNTING BITCH
I SLAM SLAM SLAM HER FACE INTO THE Z WINDOW
SHE’S SCREAMING
I PUNCH THAT BITCH AGAIN
CRUMPLED GLASS
I TURN THAT BITCH AROUND TO LOOK AT ME
SLAM THE BACK OF HER HEAD INTO THE Z WINDOW
YOU HEAR ME ??
THE GIRL IS SNIFFLING
CRYING
STREAK OF BLOOD DOWN HER FOREHEAD
I CUP HER NECK IN MY FIST AND MY DICK IS SUPER HARD
RAGING
CHOKING
FOR ITS FIRST TIME
ARE YOU READY FOR THIS ??
I SLAM HER AGAINST THE NISSAN
ARE YOU READY FOR THIS ??
I TURN HER AROUND — SHE’S FACING THE CAR
PUT MY HANDS AROUND HER NECK AND GO CRAZY !!
I ALMOST STRANGLE THAT BITCH TO DEATH
I’M REACHING FOR HER PANTIES
REACHING UNDER HER JUMPER
I’M PULLING IT OVER HER HEAD
HER NECK GETS CAUGHT IN THE STRAPS
I JIGGLE HER HEAD AND PUSH IT DOWN THROUGH HER NECK HOLE
THAT BITCH IS LOOKING AT ME LIKE I’M CRAZY
I PUT MY HAND DOWN HER PANTIES
PUT IT BETWEEN HER LEGS
I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING
SOMETHING I’VE NEVER HAD
SOMETHING I’VE HAD A TASTE OF
BUT NEVER TAKEN A BITE
I’M FINGERING
TAKING
RIPPING HER APART AT HER SEAMS
MY HAND OVER HER NECK
PUSHING DOWN HER HEAD
IT’S NOW BETWEEN THE CAR AND THE CONCRETE
SHE’S FACING THE FLOOR
JUMPER HANGING FROM THE BODY OF AN EIGHT YEAR OLD
YOU KEEP QUIET I SAY
SHE NODS
I FEEL PEE RUNNING DOWN HER LEGS
FLOWING WITH FEAR
SHE’S A GETTING RAPED MACHINE
SHE KNOWS EXACTLY WHAT TO DO
THIS LITTLE GIRL WAS TRAINED BY TELEVISION
BY THE STORIES HER PARENTS TOLD
SHE KNOWS JUST HOW TO BE FUCKED BY ME
EVEN THOUGH SHE’S NEVER BEEN FUCKED BEFORE
I PUSH HER PANTIES DOWN
AND SEE HER PERFECT ASS
IT’S THE ASS OF A BABY BUT THIS IS A WOMAN
IT’S MY WOMAN
THIS IS THE WOMAN THAT’S GONNA MAKE ME A MAN
I SPREAD HER BUTT CHEEKS
RUN MY FINGERS AROUND HER ASSHOLE
THERE ARE LYRICS IN MY HEAD AS I LICK HER LITTLE HOLE
THEN I DESCEND / CLOSE TO YOUR LIPS / ACROSS YOU I BEND / YOU SMILE AS I SIP
MY TONGUE DIPS BELOW
TO HER GLORIOUS VAG
LEFT HAND SQUEEZING NINA’S NECK LIKE CONTROLLING A PUPPET
I PUT MY THUMB IN — LOOSENING HER UP
ROOTING AROUND HER TIGHT TIGHT POCKET !!
IN THE MID OF HER LIFE — IN THE MID OF HER SOUL
WHEN I PUT MY THUMB IN SHE SQUEEZES DOWN AROUND ME
MISTER — WILL YOU PLEASE STOP ??
SHUT UP BITCH !!
I PRESS THAT MOTHERFUCKER’S FACE INTO POLISHED CONCRETE COVERED WITH OIL
GRIP MY DICK
SQUEEZING IT
SENDING IT FORTH
I LEAN DOWN TO THAT CHINESE BITCH’S HEAD
AND I WHISPER
NOW YOU ARE MINE / IN MY CONTROL / ONE TASTE OF YOUR LIFE / AND I OWN YOUR SOUL
NOW HERE IS THE PART WHERE I SHOULD HAVE SHOVED MY DICK IN AND CUM ALL UP IN THAT BITCH’S INSIDES
BUT IT DIDN’T GO THAT SMOOTH
I’M A 22 YEAR OLD MAN — THIS IS AN 8 YEAR OLD GIRL
HER PUSSY WASN’T TAKING MY DICK RIGHT
I PRESSED IT ON HER BUT HER CUNT WAS CLOSED TO ME
I GRIPPED HER SHOULDERS AND PRESSED AGAIN
IT WAS LIKE A TINY TUBE HAD BEEN PLACED BEFORE ME
I FUCKED — I PUSHED
IT WAS LIKE FUCKING A FUNNEL — AND MY DICK WOULDN’T FIT INTO THE SMALL END
HER FLESH STRETCHED TIGHT AROUND ME
THE TIGHTNESS WAS INSANE
SOMEHOW — WRONG
I FUCKED AND FUCKED AND FUCKED SOME MORE
GOT FURTHER IN — THE FIRST INCH OF MY DICK
HELD IN PLACE BY THE SUCTION
THIS WAS MY FIRST TIME — SO I THOUGHT — THIS IS WHAT IT’S LIKE TO FUCK A VIRGIN
IT WAS NOT WHAT I EXPECTED
BUT IT WAS GREAT
I COULD SEE HOW IF I WRIGGLED MY WAY DEEPER IN
IT WOULD BE INEVITABLE THAT I CUM
SO I SHOVED AND I PIERCED MY WAY INTO NINA’S GLORIOUS CUNT
WHICH WAS SO TIGHT AROUND ME IT WAS LIKE A GLOVE TWO SIZES TOO SMALL
THERE’S NOTHING COMFORTABLE ABOUT IT
BUT I KNEW IT WOULD MAKE ME CUM
THAT’S WHEN I FOUND MY RHYTHM
LITTLE PUSHING MOVEMENTS — THAT’S ALL I COULD DO
AND I THOUGHT OF ROSALITA VAZQUEZ
AND THE WOMAN FROM THE HOLIDAY INN
I THOUGHT OF THOSE KIDS FROM THE ELEVATOR
THEY ESCAPED WITHOUT HARM
AND I WATCHED NINA’S HEAD BRUSHING AGAINST THE CONCRETE
WITH EVERY MOVE
THEN I THOUGHT OF JOSEFINA
AND MY COUSIN WHO SHOT HER IN THE HEAD
I REMEMBERED HER LYING ON THE FLOOR OF MIGUEL’S APARTMENT
LOOKING AT ME — DEAD
AND I THOUGHT OF THOSE VIETCONG GIRLS WITH THEIR ASSES SPREAD AND THEIR BRAINS ON THE DIRT FLOORS OF THEIR HALF HUT HALF HOUSES IN THE MIDDLE OF THE GODDAMN JUNGLE GETTING THEIR EVERYTHING FUCKED BY MY COUSIN — THEIR ASSES — THEIR PUSSES — THEIR DEAD GAPING MOUTHS — HAVING THE HOLES IN THEIR HEAD FUCKED BY MY COUSIN IN THE NAME OF THE UNITED STATES WAR — THANK GOD !! I SAID
I FUCKED THE SHIT OUT OF NINA’S HOLE
NOT EVEN A PUSSY ANYMORE
JUST A TIGHT TIGHT TUBE
GIRL’S BODY SPLAYED ON THE FLOOR
MY LEGS PINNING HER DOWN AT HER LEGS
LEFT HAND GRIPPING HER FLOPPY NECK
SHE’S ALMOST DEAD BY NOW
I CAN’T GET IN THERE ANY DEEPER
BRUNO’S GOING TO BE WAITING — I HAVE TO FINISH HERE
AND THAT — MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE — IS WHY I FINISHED IN THAT GIRL
BRUNO WOULD BE WAITING — I HAD TO FINISH UP
IT SEEMED A WASTE TO ACTUALLY CUM IN HER BECAUSE IF I CUM IN HER NOW I WON’T BE ABLE TO AGAIN — I’LL HAVE TO LEAVE HER BODY BEHIND AND I WON’T BE ABLE TO CUM IN THIS BITCH EVER AGAIN
I HAD TO LEAVE BEHIND THE IDEA OF THE PERFECT CUM
JUST TO CUM IN THIS BITCH ONCE
SO I LET IT HAPPEN
FOUND A PLACE IN HER THAT WAS GOOD ENOUGH
A TIGHT LITTLE CORNER
FULL OF BLOOD
AND I CAME THERE
INSIDE HER
IF I TELL YOU IT WAS GOOD, THAT WILL NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH
IT WAS PERFECT
IT HAD BEEN INVENTED JUST FOR ME
NINA WAS GLORIOUS
I SQUEEZED OUT THE LAST OF MY STREAM OF CUM
IT WATERED HER INSIDES
THEN I PULLED MY DICK OUT
AND PULLED OUT MY SWITCHBLADE
AND I STABBED HER IN THE BACK OF THE NECK
AND I BROUGHT THE SWITCHBLADE UP
AND I STAB STAB STABBED HER IN HER SPINE
BLOOD WAS SQUIRTING OUT ALL OVER ME
COVERING MY SHIRT
MY JEANS
I NOTICED SHE HAD SHIT HERSELF
SHIT WAS ALL OVER MY COCK AND I ZIPPED UP AND LOOKED AT MYSELF AND IT WAS GOOD I WAS WEARING BLACK CAUSE THE BLOOD SPOTS WEREN’T AS OBVIOUS AS IF I’D BEEN WEARING WHITE AND I STOOD UP AND WRUNG MY HANDS DOWNWARD SHEDDING SHEETS OF BLOOD ON THE NISSAN Z AND THE POLISHED CONCRETE FLOOR
Ricardo (RICARDO) — What you doin’ man ??
Bruno’s (VOICE) coming down the stairs at (ME)
We gots to (GO) my man !!
Alright — I try to (SPEAK) but my (VOICE) doesn’t work
I’ll be — I’ll be right there !!
I (KICK) Nina — She doesn’t (MOVE)
Her (HAIR) is (SPLAYED) — mixed with (BLOOD)
I (RIP) off her (BLUE) jumper
She’s just wearing (SHOES) and her (WHITE) t-shirt
Soaking in her own blood
Scuffs on her (CHEEKS) and her (ELBOWS) and her (KNEES)
I pick her up
Her (SOFT) neck (LIMP) over my left arm
My (INSTINCT) is to take her (WITH) me
Ricardo !! Let’s (GO) !!
I look for a (SPOT) to (HIDE) her — (UNDER) the Nissan Z ??
I settle for a (PIPE) coming out the wall
Put (HER) straddling it — one arm hanging (DOWN)
Her (CUNT) is having its (WAY) with the (BLACK) painted (PIPE)
Fucking it one (LAST) time (BEFORE) she goes way way (DOWN)
Into the (LAND) of the (DARK)
Swallowed (BY) the devil’s (MOUTH)
Nina’s (FACE) looking (AWAY) from me
I go (BACK) to get and (TURN) it my direction
Bloody (EYES) staring at the (VOID) where I (SHOULD) be
But Nina sees (NOTHING)
She is (BLIND) to me
Like (EVERY) woman in my (LIFE) before this
Nina sees (EVERYTHING) but me
I (CLOSE) her (MOUTH) but it falls (OPEN) again
I (TRY) to (PINCH) her (EYELIDS) closed but they (OPEN) automatically
Bruno is (PULLING) on my (ARM)
Ricky !! We gots to (GO) !! Come (ON) my man !!
And (BRUNO) pulls me (OUT) of that (PARKING) lot
Underneath the building
Where I had my first (RAPE)
I was mumbling (CURSES) at (POOR) Nina (BACK) there
And if you (HEARD) me it went (SOMETHING) like (THIS)
YOU FUCKING BLACK HEAD WHORE — MY FIRST FUCK EXPERIENCE — DEAR NINA, HOW WAS IT FOR YOU ?? I ENJOYED THE TIGHTNESS AND SUPREME LACK OF TEXTURE OF YOUR CUNT — UNFORTUNATELY I THINK I RUINED YOU FOR THE NEXT GUY — SORRY ABOUT THAT — PS I WILL REMEMBER YOUR EYES FOREVER THAT WAY, ROLLED BACK IN YOUR SKULL, WANTING AND BEGGING FOR MORE — WAS I YOUR FIRST AS WELL ?? OWING TO THE LOOK ON YOUR FACE WHEN I DRILLED IT IN INTO YOU, I THINK IT WAS — DID I SEE A LOOK OF RECOGNITION IN YOUR EYES ?? I THINK I SAW THAT EVIL THERE — WHEN I WAS JAMMING IT INTO YOUR PLAYSKOOL FUNNEL LIKE A CHAMP, I CAUGHT THAT TWINKLE IN YOUR GLANCE BACK AT ME AND WHEN YOU SAID RICHARD, RICHARD, FUCK ME HARDER — FUCK ME MORE — THAT’S WHEN I KNEW YOU WERE A CHILD OF THE DEVIL AND THAT’S WHEN I KICKED IT INTO HIGH GEAR AND BANGED THIS SHIT OUT YOUR TRUNK
That’s what I (THINK) I said
Or that’s what I (THINK) I thought
I (THINK) your cuteness (MIGHT) have (CONFUSED) me
But I (KNOW) your (EVIL) nature (MESMERIZED) me
I (KNOW) I picked the (RIGHT) girl for my (ORIGINAL) fuck
As (YOUNG) as you were (NINA)
You showed me that dark (CRYSTAL) in your (HEART)
And I was (GLAD)
That the (FIRST) little (PUSSY) I (PLUCKED)
Belonged to a (WOMAN)
Who was (ALREADY) a (MEMBER) of the (LEGION) of (DARKNESS)

—

I (FOUND) another — (FOUR) months (LATER)
This (ONE) a Latino (GRANDMOTHER)
Who (HAPPENED) to be (HOME) when I robbed (HER) home
I had (STOOD) outside (HER) window (WAITING)
And (WAITING) and (WAITING) and (WAITING)
There was no (CAR) in the (GARAGE)
Her (HOUSE) was (SILENT)
I (RESTED) in the (DARK) beside a (STATUE) of the (VIRGIN) Mary — hands (CLASPED) together in (PRAYER)
Finally I pop the (HARDWARE) on a kitchen (WINDOW)
But when I went inside
This (BITCH) grandmother turns (ON) the (LIGHT)
She says (WHAT) ??
But that’s as (FAR) as that (BITCH) got
Cause I (CLOCKED) that (BITCH) with my (BACKHAND)
And (STREAKS) of (BLOOD) flew onto the (WALL)
THAT BITCH WAS SCREAMING AT ME FROM THE BEGINNING
CONJURING SATAN AND SHIT
SHE SAID — LORD OH LORD BRING DOWN YOUR MEANEST CAT
BRING THE ONE WHO KILLS
SHE SUMMONED SATAN BEFORE I EVEN GOT THERE !!
HER EYES FLASHED RED AND I SAW THE BLOOD IN HER VEINS !!
MAGIC FINGERNAILS SLICING HER CHEEKS
WITH MY GRIP — THE GRIP OF A KILLER — HER THROAT IN MY HANDS
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE ?? SHE SCREAMS
I’M HERE FOR YOUR MONEY — I SAY — I’VE GOTTA PAY FOR DRUGS AND RENT !!
THEN YOU CAN SUCK MY DEVIL’S COCK IN HELL — THE WOMAN REPLIES
AND I CAN SEE SHE WANTS TO PLAY
I PULL A KNIFE FROM BEHIND ME
ROTATING ITS BLADE IN MY FINGERS
THEN — SLICE !! SLICE !! SLICE !!
THERE GOES THAT BITCH’S HEAD — DANGLING BY A THREAD !!
I SCREAM — HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW, CUNT ??
SLASH SLASH
KNEELING OVER THAT BITCH LIKE I’M HER DOCTOR
LETTING OUT HER BLOOD AND HER DISEASE
SPILLING IT ON THE FLOOR
AIR SEEPING FROM HER RAG DOLL NECK
HER LAST BREATH OUT
KIND OF SQUEAKING — KIND OF SPEAKING
SHE WHISPERS QUICKLY — PAST THE TRANSGRESSIONS OF THE IMPRESSIONS — SANCTIFIED FOR YOUR HOLY MATRIMONY — CIRCLED HERE IN HOLY LIGHT — YOU RICARDO — YOU !! — ARE THE BEARER OF INIQUITY THE CARRIER OF BURDENS THE BURDEN OF PROOF — YOU !! — RICARDO, YOU WILL PASS THE GAUNTLET OF SEVEN TRAINS — YOU, RICARDO, WILL WALK MY CROSS ON YOUR BACK THROUGH THE CEMETERY OF GODLESS TRAITORS — YOU, RICARDO, WILL FLY ON THE BACKS OF DOVES THROUGH AN UNCLEAN SKY — YOU, RICARDO — SHE WHISPERED, AND HER WHISPER FELL AWAY AT THIS POINT, AND SHE DIED
THROAT FALLING BACKWARD
MY HANDS DROPPING HER NECK, HER HEAD
AND HER WHOLE BODY HIT THE FLOOR
HER FADED YELLOW NIGHTGOWN SOPPING UP GALLONS OF BLOOD
POURING FROM HER NECK
I KNEEL OVER HER AND GRIP THE KNIFE WITH BOTH HANDS
THEN SLASHING LEFT !!
AND SLASHING RIGHT !!
TURNING THIS WOMAN’S KITCHEN INTO A NUCLEUS OF GORE
CUTTING UP HER BODY !!
TAKING HER RIGHT ARM WITH ME AFTER THREE SLICES
KICKING HER CHIN SO HARD HER HEAD JUST ABOUT CAME OFF
CRACKING HER JAW WITH MY HEEL
THERE WAS MUSIC PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND
SETTING UP A RHYTHM FOR MY VIOLENCE
SATAN HAS POSSESSED THIS WOMAN’S HEAD
AND HE’S TALKING TO ME THROUGH HER DEAD FACE
SLICE MY VAGINA, RICHARD — SLICE MY PELVIC BONE
SO I UPPED HER DRESS AND CUT OFF HER GRANDMA PANTIES
SATAN HAS INSTALLED A SPECIAL NOSE IN MY HEAD
TO USE WHEN SNIFFING PUSSY OUT
I SNIFF !! SNIFF !!
AND SLICE THAT BITCH’S PANTIES OFF !!
SHE MUSTA BEEN KEEPING IT TIGHT AND FRESH UNDER HERE
UNTOUCHED FOR ALL THESE YEARS
I SINK MY MIDDLE FINGER UP INSIDE HER
AND IT CAUSES SATAN TO WRITHE WITHIN
HER EYES OPEN AND SHE LICKS HER LIPS AND SPEAKS TO ME SAYING — OH, RICHARD, YOU ARE RIGHT — FUCKING A GRANNIE ISN’T MUCH UNLIKE FUCKING AN EIGHT YEAR OLD — YOU JUST GOTTA PUT YOUR LIPS TOGETHER — AND BLOW
I POSITIONED MY HEAD AT HER CROTCH AND SHUFFLED HER PANTIES OFF
I WAS GONNA TAKE THIS BITCH’S VIRGINITY JUST LIKE I HAD TAKEN IT OFF THAT EIGHT YEAR OLD — NICE AND QUICK, LIKE PULLING OFF A BAND AID
I PLAYED AT HER HOLE WITH THE TIP OF MY COCK
THINKING OF NINA’S PERFECT VAGINA
THAT EIGHT YEAR OLD GIRL WOULD BE THE STANDARD BY WHICH I JUDGED ALL OTHERS
I REACHED UP AND SLAPPED OLD GRANDMA
HER HEAD WOBBLED CRAZILY — ALREADY DEAD
I SHOVED MY COCK INTO THIS WOMAN, KNOWING SHE WOULDN’T FEEL ANYTHING, AND SWORE I WOULDN’T KILL THE NEXT ONE SO SOON
SHE WAS SNUG AS A VIRGIN — PROB’LY HADN’T BEEN FUCKED IN TWENTY YEARS
I SLAMMED IT INTO HER
THEN TOLD MYSELF — DON’T CUM TOO SOON
THIS BITCH HAS HOURS OF DELIGHTFULNESS INSIDE HER GOLDEN PUSS
I FUCKED AND FUCKED AND FUCKED THAT BITCH
LOOKING AT THE BLOOD FLOW FROM OUT HER HEAD
SWIRLING IT BETWEEN MY FINGERS
LICKING IT
GETTING SLIMY WITH THAT BITCH
FORMING BUBBLES WITH THE BLOOD IN MY MOUTH
REACHING UP WITH THE KNIFE
AND PLANTING IT IN HER BRAIN
FUCKING UP WITH MY COCK THROUGH THE HOLE BETWEEN HER LEGS
BRINGING DOWN THE HAMMER OF A KNIFE INTO HER BRAIN
STABBING HER LIKE THAT THROUGH MINUTES OF ECSTASY
FUCKING HER PUSS WAS LIKE FUCKING AN INSIDE OUT SLUG
FATHOMS OF CLAMMY TIGHTNESS
WHICH THREATENED TO STEAL MY CUM
I IMAGINED THIS WOMAN’S SOUL — RECENTLY DEPARTED HER BODY — FLOATING ABOVE ME IN THIS KITCHEN WATCHING HERSELF GET RAPED BY RICHARD RAMIREZ
I THOUGHT OF WHAT THAT MUST BE LIKE
TO HAVE RECENTLY LEFT THIS LIFE
AND TO BE LOOKING DOWN ON YOURSELF
AS A RAG DOLL
GETTING BRUTALLY FUCKED BY ME
I FUCKED AND I FUCKED AND I BLEW HER HOUSE DOWN
SPLATTED CUM ALL UP INSIDE THAT BITCH’S PLUMBING
CAME UP AND SLAPPED THAT BITCH IN THE FACE
ALMOST PLAYFULLY
IT’S YOUR LEGACY, BIOTCH !! I JUMP AROUND, MY COCK, HALF MAST, BOUNCING WITH ME — YOU MADE ME CUM AND YOU WEREN’T EVEN HERE, DARLING — YIPPIE YI OH KAI YAY MOTHERFUCKER !! WOO !! BITCH MADE ME CUM AND SHE WASN’T EVEN HERE
I SLAPPED THE HAND OF SATAN — HIGH FIVE, IN THE AIR — SLIPPING ON A POOL OF BLOOD — SMEARING SATAN’S HANDPRINT ACROSS HER WALLS — AND GO ABOUT THE BUSINESS OF LOOKING FOR GOODIES TO PAY THE RENT — RIPPING DRAWERS FROM THEIR DRESSERS AND THROWING THEM ON THE FLOOR — RIFLING THROUGH FOLDERS ON THE DESK — TEARING CUSHIONS OFF THE COUCH
Found (MYSELF) staring at (MYSELF) in the bathroom (MIRROR)
Thinking it was a (CAMERA)
Snapping my (PICTURE) in this (HOUSE)
Thinking of that (WOMAN) back there
Who I (LEFT) in so many (PIECES)
That (SHE) was more (PIECES) than (WHOLE) parts now
I wondered how many people like this there were in LA
With (GRANDMOTHERS) having (CUNTS) almost equal in (GLORY) to the (CUNTS) of their (CHILDREN) and the (CUNTS) of their children’s (CHILDREN)
Each one (SMOOTH) as (GLASS)
Each in their own way
I had been (HAPPY) for a (MOMENT)
Buried (DEEP) between that 80 year old’s (LEGS)
She made me think of my Josefina
Miguel’s (WIFE) who Miguel (SHOT) in the (FACE) ??
Willing to (GIVE) herself
Completely
To (COMFORT) me
But (NOW) it was (OVER)
The (COLDNESS) was (RETURNING) to the room
That bitch’s (CUNT) was (COOLING) off now
Soon it would be (USELESS)
I will have to (LEAVE) this house
Find another (HOUSE) to rob
I will find another (PAIR) of (LEGS) to spread
And when I do — what (WONDERS) will be (THERE) !!
I’m (SCARED) to (FIND) out
Scared and (EXCITED)
It can’t be (TOO) soon, really
My (ROCKEFELLER) grandma back there didn’t (LEAVE) me (MUCH) for rent !!
And the (DEVIL) must have put a (CHARM) on my (DICK)
Cause he is (HUNGRY) for some sweet sweet (CUNT) in the nastiest way

2

I (HAD) been (ATTENDING) Satanic Process (MEETINGS) in LA
Process was (LIKE) elocution or (FORM)
We (LEARNED) the (FORMS) of Satanic (ACTIVITIES) and (THOUGHTS)
Much like (LITTLE) girls in the 1800s learned to (SEW)
And (LEARNED) to (SIT)
Properly
With their (LEGS) crossed
And their tiny (CUNTS) protected (SAFELY)
Under there
Our (PEOPLE) met in the (BASEMENT) of a book (SHOP)
Down (HOLLYWOOD) Way
I (FIRST) found the (MEETINGS) a (CURIOSITY)
But they have (TURNED)
Into an (OBSESSION)

—

I (SIT) in my (WOODEN) chair
Rolling up my sleeve
My (BICEP) reveals a Satanic (STAR) — That’s a (GOAT) head (PENTAGRAM) with the (STAR) pointing (DOWN)
I (HAD) almost (ETCHED) it into my (SKIN)
With the felt (TIP) of a (PERMANENT) marker
I (FLEX) my (MUSCLE)
Look to my (LEFT)
There’s a (SWEET) girl there — (GOTHED) out — (BLACK) romper dress with (DEVIL) heads pinned to her (SHOULDER) straps
I casually (LEAN) back in my (CHAIR) and lift my (SHIRT) with one (HAND)
Revealing my witch’s (STAR) — which is a (PENTAGRAM) with the (STAR) pointing (UP) — each tip (REPRESENTING) earth, air, fire, water (AND) spirit — the five tenets of my (FAITH) in the (FORCES) protecting my from (ABOVE) — balancing out my (FAITH) in the (STRENGTH) I draw from (BELOW)
Pride !! Liberty !! Individualism !! I say, alongside (ROMPER) girl and the (REST) of the room
I let my shirt (SLIDE) down over my (BELLY)
Covering the Witch’s (STAR)
What are (SOME) of the other (TENETS) of Satanism ?? (ASKS) the (LEADER) of our (GROUP)
No bowing to gods, I say — and I look to the (LEFT)
Romper (GIRL) is staring at (ME)
Normally I would never (PARTICIPATE) like this but the (CHANCE) at (PUSSY) is too (GOOD)
Instead, I say, I place (MYSELF) at the center of (MY) own universe
Look at the (GIRL) — she’s still (LOOKING) at (ME)
I make myself the (HERO) of my (OWN) life
I make myself my own (GOD)
Someone else — the leader says
And this (SHORT) little (GUY) named (AARON) — dressed (HEAD) to (TOE) in (DIRTY) blacks — safety pins (CLIPPED) into his (JEANS) his (SHOES) — I’ve (SEEN) him at every (MEETING) I’ve been to — this guy (SITS) up and (SAYS)
It’s ok to vent my wrath on those who cause me harm
And he (SLUMPS) back in his (CHAIR)
It’s ok to (VENT) my (WRATH) on (THOSE) who cause me (HARM)
Indeed
This is (ONE) of the (KEY) ideas that brought me to (SATANISM)
It’s the (OPPOSITE) of (CHRISTIANITY) which says to (TURN) the other (CHEEK) and while I like the (PACIFIST) idea of (JESUS) on international (MATTERS) I do (THINK) that in (INTERPERSONAL) realms —
But goth (GIRL) is (STAMPING) her (BOOTS) on the (FLOOR)
And saying —
When are we gonna roast some babies ??
The (WHOLE) room (LAUGHS)
I (LOOK) around (CONFUSED)
And straighten my (BODY) in this (CHAIR)
I didn’t (KNOW) that (THIS) was to be (THAT) sort of meeting
Roasting (BABIES) and (SUCH)
We would (ALWAYS) get to these (POINTS) where goth (GIRL) mentioned (ROASTING) babies
And (SOMEONE) would get the (URGE)
To mention (DEVIL) sacrifices in the (WOODS) outside of (FRESNO)
I would of (COURSE) make a (MENTAL) note !!
But (KILLING) babies outside of (FRESNO) is not why I come to this meeting
I (CAME) here to (DISCUSS) the (PHILOSOPHIES)
The (INS) and the (OUTS)
Like — it’s ok to vent my wrath on those who cause me harm
It’s (OK) to (VENT) my (WRATH) on those who (HARM) the people I love
Ins and outs like (BOTH) truth (AND) fantasy are needed by people
Like (NO) one (CARES) for me — that I am (RESPONSIBLE)
Like (ALL) satanists are (ATHEISTS)
That’s a (NEW) one to (ME)
Or that Satanism demands (STUDY) — not (WORSHIP) as the Christians do
Or that we (NEVER) grovel or bow or get on our (KNEES) to worship (SATAN)
Or that the (DEVIL) is not (HORNS) and a (PITCHFORK) but (RATHER) the dark (FORCES) of human (NATURE) — which we are just beginning to fathom
You know I met LaVey last year, I said
Goth girl was (STILL) venting about some (BABY) bodies they found outside (FRESNO)
I met LaVey last year, I say again — I asked him about human sacrifice and he (NATURALLY) refused to answer
Where did you meet LaVey ??
At the (SATANISM) conference at (UCLA) he said that (HUMAN) sacrifice is (MOSTLY) a myth propagated by (CHRISTIANS) looking to (MAKE) headlines — that it’s (UNIMPORTANT) to the study of (SATANISM) in its (PUREST) form and what we (SHOULD) be studying in (GROUPS) like (THIS) is (STUFF) like the (FACT) that we are our own gods !! That god is a fantasy —
I flash (FORWARD) to whispering (THAT) in someone’s (EAR)
Some (LITTLE) girl when I’m (KILLING) her
Saying — stop deluding yourself
There is no god
There is nothing supernatural
There is nothing spiritual — only the body !! — only (HERE) now — only (DIRT) and (SKIN) and (BRAINS) and the (GRIT) left behind on the concrete made by a (GIRL) named (NINA) who (WORE) a jumper dress so (WELL) on (TINY) hips (WHOSE) bones (GROUND) through (SKIN) as I (FUCKED) and (FUCKED) and (BLEW) her (HOUSE) in
The (WHOLE) room is (QUIET)
And I’m not sure what I said
For everyone was (LOOKING) at me
Goth girl’s (EYEBROWS) are (RAISED)
The (HEELS) of her (BOOTS) two inches (OFF) the (FLOOR)
Aaron (SKINNY) kid is (LOOKING) at me with interest
Satan is a supreme being to me — I say quietly — he is a power that binds (THROUGH) me — who (SANCTIFIES) me — who (PURIFIES) me — he is the (ELECTRICITY) flowing through my (NERVES) — the (SPARK) in my (SPINE) — he comes with me throughout my day — watching (OVER) me while I do my (DAILY) chores — he (WILL) never let anything (BAD) truly get me — he is (GUIDANCE) protector (STEERING) hand — the (FATHER) that I never had — OK ?? So while you’re all (TALKING) children (FORCED) to have (SEX) with chanting adults dressed in (BLACK) robes — drinking (BLOOD) eating (FECES) — witnessing animal (AND) human sacrifices — roasting babies’ (FLESH) and eating it !! I’m here to (TELL) you
And at this point I (STAND) to address the (ROOM) of about 12
I don’t (WORSHIP) the (DEVIL) — I worship (MYSELF) and I am a carnal (BEING) looking to (ENJOY) my life to the fullest !!
I (KICK) my (CHAIR) and it (SLIDES) into the (CENTER) of the (CIRCLE)
I had better (LUCK) with (PALM) readers, I say
Richard, don’t leave !!
Call me when you get (SERIOUS) I say — motherfucking (ROASTED) babies !!
I’m out the door
I’m up the (STAIRS)
I’m at the (STREET) on Hollywood Way
Breathe (AIR)
Touch the (GROUND)
This is (MY) body (MY) Los Angeles (MY) arms (MY) legs (MY) teeth (MY) mouth (MY) ability to move (MY) mind filled with (MY) thoughts leading to (MY) memories
I stand and watch the (CARS) swish by
I clench my (FISTS)
I’m done with (SATANISM) I say out loud — and a (COUPLE) of (GIRLS) passing by (GIGGLES) at me and we (CATCH) eyes as they go their way — I (NOD) my (HEAD) and (MOUTH) the words — I’m (SERIOUS) — but they do not hear me — they’re (ON) and (ON) and (ON) into the night — a (NIGHT) of (FUN) and (INNOCENCE) and nothing (TOO) exciting to a mind like (THIS)
I’m done with (SATANISM) — I say
Done
If all they can talk about is (SEX) and (DEATH)
Then I’m (DONE) with (THAT) meeting
There’s (ANOTHER) one in (PACIFIC) Palisades
Again at some alternative-leaning (BOOKSHOP) owner’s (STORE)
I’ll have to (FIND) a way out (THERE) some night
You (KNOW) I may look (DUMB) — I say to the (BOOKSHOP) I just left — but I (KNOW) a thing or two about (SEX) and (DEATH)
What a (JOKE) — I say out loud — I go here (LOOKING) for (ANSWERS) nobody has them !! I kick the (FLOWER) shelves in front of the (SHOP) — This is (KID) stuff !! — I pick up a (DISLODGED) geranium and re-bury it — head (AWAY) from the shop — and all the while (KNOCKING) a fist against my (SKULL) saying — Why (DOES) nobody (ANSWER) any of my (QUESTIONS) ??

—

A few (STREETS) down I (PASS) a sandwich shop
Stop
Go back
The (PLACE) is (BRIGHT) with (RED) neon
I push the (DOOR) open
Walk right (PAST) the place you order
Giving (DOUBLE) middle (FINGERS) to the (WORKERS)
They (KNOW) who they are — they (KNOW) they shouldn’t be (WORKING) that (JOB)
I (POP) inside that (BATHROOM) and lay out my (KIT)
It’s (JUST) a couple (COKE) rocks in a woman’s (COMPACT)
Where she would have (ROUGE) I have my (COCAINE)
I think of those poor poor (FUCKS) out there
Working a (SLAVE) job in a master’s (WORLD)
I would (NEVER) be a (SLAVE) like them
That’s my (TOAST) !! — I said — and I (SCARFED) the line of (COKE)

—

Going from the (CITY) to the (SUBURBS) to (KILL)
I’m driving in a (STOLEN) Toyota
Toyotas and Datsuns are (EASY) for me to (STEAL)
For in El Paso I (OBTAINED) a (MASTER) key
That (UNLOCKS) all Datsuns and all Toyotas — (EVERY) one
If they’re like (BUTTER) I’m like the (KNIFE) that cuts right through them
So that’s how I (USUALLY) travel
In a Datsun or a Toyota
I never got a (LICENSE) to (DRIVE)
I might be a (LITTLE) rough on my (VEHICLES)
But I (MAKE) them (WORK) for me
I get them (THROUGH)
Slamming on the (STEERING) wheel
With my (EARPHONES) in
Gliding on mist / Hardly a sound / Bringing the kiss / Evils abound
I’m (REVIEWING) my (GROWING) list of (VICTIMS)
In the dead of night / Love bites, love bites / In the dead of night / Love bites
Thinking of my (FIRST) one — Nina — (SOFT) puss — creamy (WHITE) skin — seeming (EIGHT) or (NINE) but really (QUITE) a bit more (OLDER) than (ME) — I see myself (KNEELING) at her (FEET) — her (HEIGHT) intimidating — looking (DOWN) on me (POINTING) her (FINGER)
Or my (GRANDMOTHER) — mushy (TWAT) whore with my (PENIS) stuck all the (WAY) up to her (HEAD) — coming to the (DEVIL) for me to (CHASTISE) me for my (CRIMES) — I didn’t (KNOW) the (DEVIL) was literally (IN) that (MUNCHKIN) bitch
Waiting to (COME) out
To (TALK) to (ME) from the (DEAD)
And when I was (DONE) that grandma (DEVIL) turned into a (CHIPMUNK) and (SCURRIED) across her (FLOOR)
Hiding (UNDER) the (COUCH) shining (RED) eyes at me
Like a miniature (UNDERTAKER)
I kneel (BEFORE) her with (OUTSTRETCHED) hands
Inviting the (DEVIL) into my (TOUCH)
But she (SQUEALED) and (RAN) away
That was too bad (BECAUSE) I expected (HER) to (BITE) my (FINGERS)
Imbuing them with the Devil’s nectar
But she wouldn’t — she was just an (IMAGE) in my mind
She couldn’t even (RUN) away
She just (ZAPPED) in and out of (CONSCIOUSNESS)
She is (HERE) and (NOT) here
These are the (THOUGHTS) my mind (THINKS)
As I’m (GOING) from the (CITY) to the (SUBURBS) to (KILL)
Robbery was not (REALLY) my motive
I mean I (DID) need (CASH) for (COKE) and (RENT)
If I didn’t find (JEWELRY) tonight to (SELL) — I’d be (SLEEPING) on the (STREET) — my (ROOM) at St. John’s (HAD) to be (PAID) every week
But no
I (HIT) the steering (WHEEL)
Instilling (PAIN) !!
I hit again
Fear !! I (SHOUT)
I hit the wheel (AGAIN)
Agony !! I scream !! (SAVAGERY) !! (MURDER) !!
The car is (RUMBLING) from my abuses
These are the (PLEASURES) that I seek
Rape — if it (MUST) be called (THAT)
And am I (CRUEL) ??
A (SADIST) ??
If that means I (DIP) my (WICK) into the (POT) of (GOLD)
Between a munchkin’s (LEGS)
Then (YES)
Yes, you (ELDERLY) bitch
Yes, you (EIGHT) year old (GODDESS) — you (WHORE)
Yes, you tight (TIGHT) hole who (WAITS) for me to (ARRIVE)
Holds (STILL) for (ME) to cum
Yes, you expanse of (PUSSY) from eight years (OLD) to (EIGHTY) years (YOUNG)
Spreading out (BEFORE) me
So (WIDE) and (RED)
Like the (CARPETS) that (DENY) me in this town — leading to a (CLUB) or a (RESTAURANT) that I will never go in
That (PUSSY) is reserved for (THOSE) who are (WILLING) to do (WHATEVER) you have to do to get (IN)
This (PUSSY) is reserved for the (SAME)
There was (SMOG) in La that (SUMMER) — I (BREATHED) it in at (NIGHT) — getting off the freeway at Telegraph Hill
I parked in an (ALLEY) at the (CORNER)
Looked around
Which of these (HOUSES) am I gonna (FIND) some (PUSSY) in ??
To (LAY) it (LOW)
To (GAIN) its (SWEETNESS)
Suddenly I feel (HAPPY)
Suddenly — walking down the (ALLEY) becomes more like (HOPPING) down the (ALLEY)
Bouncing from one (FOOT) to the (OTHER)
Like a (MUPPET)
Or a (SMALL) child
Dancing to the music on the (TELEVISION)
Which (CALLS) me from this (HOUSE) on my (LEFT)
Its (BRIGHTLY) lit (SPARKLE) box of (STORIES) flickering in the (NIGHT)
The (ADVERTISEMENT) for a (SOAP) box that will (FILL) your (HOME) with (SMELLS) from (CHRISTMAS) !!
I’m (STANDING) below their window (SILL)
Looking (IN) at these two (LADIES)
Both in their (DOTAGE) — 70 years old
Waiting for (DEATH) to (ARRIVE)
I find a (BROKEN) pot and wheel it (UNDERNEATH) the glass
And there I watch TV
With my (TWO) elderly ladies
First we (WATCH) MacGyver
And the (LADY) on the (LEFT) switches to Perfect Strangers at the commercials
I’m still (STANDING) tall when (AIRWOLF) comes on — my fingers gripping the (WINDOW) sill
Explosions and (SPY) stuff — (PRETTY) cool
At 10 o’clock comes St. Elsewhere
The (PREMIERE) medical drama
Staring (DAVID) Morse and whoever else
By (NOW) my (LEGS) are getting (TIRED)
And my (FINGERS) growing (SORE)
But I wait
And I wait
Until those two (OLD) ladies (RIGHT) their (ANCIENT) bodies
Each pulls the (CORD) by their (INDIVIDUAL) lamp
The room (FLOODS) with (DARKNESS)
And I see those (TWO) old (BITCHES) leave their living room behind
INSIDE THEIR KITCHEN I SELECT A DRAWER I BELIEVE CONTAINS THEIR KNIVES
MY FIRST GUESS IS CORRECT
I CHOOSE A SERRATED ONE
WELL
ACTUALLY
IT’S PARTIALLY SERRATED, PARTIALLY SHARP
A DEVIL KNIFE
I CREEP INTO THEIR BEDROOM
HOLD BACK AT ITS DOOR
THERE THEY ARE — ONE, TWO — CHICKS WAITING TO HAVE THEIR EGGS SPLIT

[this idea that it’s necessary or pleasing to make the private public by violating even gently someone’s secret treasures]

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